I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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