Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize