Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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