had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
