Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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