did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
