Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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