I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
