you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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