my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
