Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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