i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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