I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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