The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
