just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
