A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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