I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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