You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Let's get the cat blown out
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
