It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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