i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
