thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize