dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
