I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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