honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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