you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
