You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
