So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
