I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I love having hate sex.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
