She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Found your dick twin last night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
