Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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