I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my shit smells like andre
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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