The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
