I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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