Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
