I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
