Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
