Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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