I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
