After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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