Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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