I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
