high people should be assigned attendants
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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