Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
