I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize