Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
