NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
