gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
