I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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