Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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