I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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