I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
