summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I have already put on my inside pants.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
