Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize