The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
