I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My bed smells like the plague
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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