Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
