Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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