Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
