some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
How naked do you want me to be?
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