his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
