So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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