It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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