She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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