The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
