Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
