It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
