my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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