next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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