Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the condom got lost in my hair
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
