i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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