nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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