I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
